In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
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Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.