I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
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me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
accurate
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No