My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
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MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her