tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
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If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
But that’s none of my business
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.