4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
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I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I’m about to risk it all
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
mom gave me mine for free
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev