I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
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It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.