gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
You Might Also Like
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that