INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
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If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”