Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
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Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.