*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”