Croquettes are not female crocodiles
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Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Become ungovernable.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.