I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
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70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
omg leave her alone
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
My first son he is wonderful
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen