If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like