*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
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worst…sale…ever
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
just gave your address to some spiders
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Nothing.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
This is the one
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.