Hit me in the face with a bird
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My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
📽️movie date🎞️
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.