I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
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I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Van Gone
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Me: Same.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God