“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
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Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
The Compass
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old