At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
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[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.