Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit