If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
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BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average