The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?