I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
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This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Guy who likes music
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Autocorrect is my menesis
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..