She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
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Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?