“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
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my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
This raises questions
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
One of the best
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.