And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Cake!!
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)