For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
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[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀