my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
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Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Finally a use for spoilers…
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!