Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.