me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
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My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours