The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
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Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]