Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
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What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.