Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
You Might Also Like
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’