18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
You Might Also Like
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
…..pretty much.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1