it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
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Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication