Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
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Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
FRED: right
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
LOL!
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Just a friendly reminder!
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.