YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
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People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano