“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
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I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Lucky old June.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Encore…
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.