Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
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Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?