Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
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The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
new career option?
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Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
channeling her this year
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.