grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
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(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
beware of dog