[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
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[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils