angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
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People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant