Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
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Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My relationship with tea has always been strained.