[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
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[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.