My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
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I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila