WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
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“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.