3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
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The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family