when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
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Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
SF is the wild wild west man
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.