You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
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I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.