“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
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Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
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waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
scrabbled eggs
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.